by Dumb Instrument

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badjose420 Yet another magnificently crafted slice of Scottishness from these vastly under appreciated musical maestros. Favorite track: The Darkness Is Your Friend.
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released August 11, 2019


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Dumb Instrument Scotland, UK

Dumb Instrument formed when Tom Murray and Mikey Grant met in 2006. Now an 8 piece, the band has played all over the UK from house concerts to Glastonbury.

“Sparse and with pinpoint accuracy, they manage to punctuate note, voice and beat impeccably, with humour and pathos the recurring theme; and just for good measure, the twist in the tale or the crushing anti-climax.” Ravechild
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Track Name: High Jumper
she is waiting with her father
at the top of his skyscraper
far below the city lights are
glimmering with gleaming spanglings
whispering suggesting things,
the countless possibilities and
in the park even the trees are
rustling leaves like they were pleased

Simon and Garfunkel meanwhile
tell him you will miss the train
he decides to disregard them
and instead go walking in the rain
in his new Chinese coat whose sleeves are long
but zips up to the throat
quite soon theres Barry White
inside his head he smiles instead

Superman he flew so fast
he ended up back in the past
where he rights all wrongs and then makes sure
if things are bad that they don’t last yes
that was very good of him
it’s nice to think that all our problems
can be consigned to the bin, i’m just joking

see she wears a fair isle jumper
hand knitted in Scotland by a
white haired lady in a cottage
using needles also used for
sewing wounds on giants
when they come to call just after battle
using wool thats harvested from
skinny sheep not nice to eat

she is fed up waiting
makes her way towards the open window
looks down at the pattern on her
jumper and can make no sense of it
she looks round fathers gone
to make some tea so she climbs up and
stands upon the window ledge
and then repeats his worthless pledge
Track Name: That Stupid Wee Lassie From Elderslie
slaving but you are saving for that holiday
that is five thousand seven hundred and sixty one miles away
obsessed since childhood with that mushroom cloud

it’s your very first day in Tokyo
and your’e lost but see this face you know
it’s that stupid wee lassie from Elderslie
and she smiles as she listens
and she leads the way to the train
that goes to Nagasaki

two years later you’re dragged
to a to a discotheque lined in cork
in the meat packing district bit of New York

and there you spot her bouncing up and down

she’s enjoying herself much too much today
it’s that stupid wee lassie from Elderslie
it’s beyond you why they don’t impound her beer
and explain very sternly it’s not done like that here

not done like that here

you were in fourth year and she was in first
she would hang around with the plooks just about to burst

idling in Lidl in Johnstone
and you can’t make your mind up
’tween shortcake and jaffa cakes

it’s been a long time
but you see her making haste
past the crisps and the wine

she’s got a basketful of pasta
and a box of milk tray
it’s that stupid wee lassie fae Elderslie
and as she passes she points out your folly to you by
picking up shortcake, not one but two

not one but two
Track Name: Crazy Paving
Crazy Paving is juxtaposed with rose enclosed bungalows
inside are festering nails on toes, deformed by those ill fitting brogues
toes suffocated by a sock, hand knitted to a clock’s tick tock
inside pyjamas flaccid cock and all the doors are double locked
Track Name: LaDeDa
Miss Smith, superstar, contact lenses and padded bra
went across to America, come back talking all Ladeda
who the hell does she think she is, she picks her nose and she cannot kiss
never mind girl you’re back home now, so drop the nickers ya dirty cow

her nickers they stayed up,
says i’ve got ears like the Scottish Cup
I get the feeling she’s got a date,
she’s pulled some blind guy from New York State
He’ll be waiting at JFK,
cowboy boots and the old Milk Tray
she come back talking all Ladeda,
now i’m going back to live with my Ma
Track Name: Backwards Is The New Forwards
who put that lamp post there
there’s blood everywhere
down my back matting my hair
i’m just walking backwards home
by jupiter and ganymede
i’ll watch the paving stones recede
till i can’t walk or I am deed
I am walking backwards home

so if I do not say hello don’t take it personally no
I don’t have extra eyes you know behind my ears
just turn your head when you are past and greet me with
a smile that’s vast you’ll get a how de do at last
i’m walking backwards

someone once suggested to me use a mirror you will see
that’s manifest dishonesty when i’m walking backwards home
I know i’m prone to accidents I cut through campsites flatten tents
I tell the folk it wasn’t meant then continue backwards home

get out my bed at 5 each day
and get the train to miles away
be it Largs or Alloway
with my back to the engine

you have got grand theft auto five
to keep you going stay alive
at least i’ve found my way
to get me through the challenge of each day

the young team caught in my slipstream
they chant it’s a pipe dream
as I walk through the scheme
backwards going home
Me well I just say to them
while wiping off the phlegm
they’re blind and foolish to condemn
the backwards walk will come to them

they all say there’s that backward chap
whose shoes are covered in dog crap
oh well I may be facing back
but i’m moving forward
by jupiter and ganymede
i’ll watch the paving stones recede
till i can’t walk or I am deed
I am walking backwards home
Track Name: That's The Way to Do It!
he comes home with a great big stick
and knocks his wife about a bit
he’s a nasty piece of work, he just don’t care
he even threw the baby down the stair

he’s wicked, wicked, just because his daddy showed him
thats the way to do it, thats the way to do it
wicked, wicked, just because his daddy showed him

thats the way to do it

the crocodile and the policeman too, everyone is afraid of you
what makes you think though that you’re in charge
someone’s got their hand stuck up your arse

are you wicked wicked, ‘cos you are being fisted,
wicked wicked, ‘cos you are being fisted
wicked wicked, ‘cos you are being fisted

no, thats the way to do it
Track Name: Venus In A Cardigan
I made her a fried egg piece
with some tea to cut through the creash
she did not begin and will never cease
and check her clothes no artificial crease

she gave me a coaky back
when the future looked extremely black
when I get it wrong she cuts me slack
she also gives me access to her crack

Venus in a Cardigan who so wont do the ironing
Venus in a Cardigan who cannot do the highland fling

she went through the rubbish when
the drugs got accidentally binned
then she came back in big cheesey grin
Venus in a Cardigan

Venus in a Cardigan who so wont do the ironing
Venus in a Cardigan who cannot do the highland fling
Track Name: Drunk In The Playground
Drunk in the playground, waiting for my son
Drunk in the playground, wishing he would come

maybe he can save me though he is only five
maybe he can save me cos he is so alive

Drunk in the playground, swaying in the breeze
Drunk in the playground, with the Three Degrees

hooo haaaiiii precious moments
haaiii hooooo

everyone is smiling, listen there’s the bell
even I am smiling, through the bars of my prison cell
Track Name: Balderdash
hair upon the barbers floor gets swept up and down falls more
theres some Bryllcreme in the drawer,
there’s a ding from the swinging door

a baldy bearded man comes in,
he hardly knows where to begin
he sits down and strokes his chin,
strokes his chin with his phantom limb

hark hear the music of The Spheres,
Mrs Mills plays the theme from Cheers

then he’ll run,
out the door dead fast thats why they all call him balderdash

and he’s gone,
expeditiously in a flash,
the one they call balderdash

and as he runs he circumvents
all the doubts on the pavements
and in his thoughts he reinvents,
makes contentments from torments

hark hear the music from above,
Lena Zavaroni sings Whole Lotta Love

he has a rest in the Kings Cafe,
he has a cup of tea and a breakaway
five minutes max and he’s on his way, hey

and he’ll run out the door dead fast
thats why they all call him balderdash
and he’s off, he’s gone in a flash
the one they call balderdash
Track Name: The Darkness Is Your Friend
Where is light when it’s not there?

Is it in the press underneath the stair?

With the change down the back of the chair?

Where is light when it’s not there?

And where’s the dark when it’s not there?

In the roots of my dyed black hair?

Hiding out in my underwear?

Where’s the dark when it’s not there?

When your bedside light is on turn it off the light is gone,
before you turn it on again - smile, the darkness is your friend.

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